As I’ve already admitted, I love fall to a stressful degree. Seriously, I get so excited about this crispiest of seasons that I spend most of it worrying about whether or not I’m enjoying it enough. So I always feel like I should be really into Halloween, the autumn holiday of choice for all you losers who don’t have birthdays in October. Especially now — I mean, I’ve never been into the weirdo grownup-style Sexy Halloween, so thought I’d be glad to be back in the world of kiddie Halloween, albeit vicariously. I mean, you get to do goofy stuff like visit the a-SCARE-ium (which was actually very low-key on a Saturday morning and perfect for little kids). But it turns out, kiddie Halloween is actually pretty annoying too.
1) I’m a completely incompetent seamstress and am also extremely cheap, which makes putting together costumes nothing but a hassle. Luckily my mother sewed an entirely perfect red riding hood for Harper (in about two minutes, it was annoying) that she continues to wear as a rule. But even though she looked adorable and loves the hood (after initially refusing to wear it, of course) I have to admit this was a costume fail on my part because I neglected to adequately prep the poor kid on who the hell Little Red Riding Hood is. She doesn’t know and doesn’t care. And when I think about it, the story is terrifying anyway.
2) You know what else is terrifying? EVERYTHING ABOUT HALLOWEEN. The whole holiday is like an assault especially designed to psychologically torture toddlers. At brunch at Dizzy’s, the entire staff was wearing masks. Thanks, dicks. I can only take this is a passive-aggressive statement to people who bring babies to brunch there (I know it’s annoying but you’re Dizzy’s, you’re in Park Slope, so deal with it). This resulted in about thirty minutes of Harper crying, “Monstas! Monstas!” and then her father and I taking turns walking her around the block. Then there are the gruesome decorations everywhere. How do you explain to a 1-year-old why it looks like a dead person’s legs are sticking out of a grate? Oy.
We also took her to the Park Slope Halloween Parade which is, in our defense, mostly made up of little kids walking in their costumes. Cue the “monstas! monstas!” Way too scary. I felt like a pretty awesome mom as she wept into my shoulder. Go me.
3) Other than the spookiness, the whole point of Halloween for kids is to walk around to strangers’ houses getting candy you don’t really want them to eat anyway. I mean, when you think about it, it’s a very weird and bad idea. Harper trick-or-treated at one house and received a shiny Hershey’s Kiss that she carried around for a while like it was a precious gem. Then she ate it.
Every few hours since then (it’s been DAYS) she looks at me and says beseechingly, “Piece tandy? Piece tandy?”
Thanks, Halloween. Thanks for everything.